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My Satire, which grew out of some listmail postings, about

Why the Next War is Against the Swiss


Some days ago, on an eMail list, somebody proposed:
Help America win the contest ... they are already doing well

He got a reply from somebody:
... I do wish they'd given more choices though. I've always been a little suspicious of Luxembourg...

I remarked:
And they have a good reason to look for expansion of their area:
At present, the country is too small for their fighter jets to reach full speed and then slow down again without violating another country's airspace.
Now, wouldn't that be enough reason for an invasion? <g>
Or take Switzerland:
Their navy is severely at disadvantage without access to a reasonable sea port.

Somebody agreed to that:
The problem with the Swiss is that the only country they can fight on water is France. An given that they do better, I am afraid for the next war.

I replied:
I am glad you see the situation as serious as I do, however, you forget Lago Maggiore, where they could send their navy against the Italians, and Lake Konstanz (Bodensee) where they would face Germany (states Baden-Württemberg and Bavaria) and Austria.

Damn it, this would spiral out of control. Just imagine, they would permanently circle their submarines from one front to the other, so that nobody knows, what is going on and where they could hit next.

Probably quite soon George Double-U would jump in and the CIA would proof, that the Swiss women were only therefore so long disallowed voting rights, because of the politicians' connections to Osama. Besides that, one of the kidnappers of 9-11 was carrying a Swiss knife, another one a Swiss watch (some CIA agents had secretly reported that they were only Chinese imitations - but that report did not reach the CIA's leadership). There has to be a relation which justifies retaliation. In addition to that, satellite photos would show, that last month, the Swiss army moved huge amounts of snow from one place to another. Surely they had something to hide. Next May or June, when the inspectors come, and they can't show what they were moving, or at least proof that they destroyed all that snow, they would really be in deep trouble.

The bad smell coming out of some factories (which they call "Käsereien", where they make something which they claim to be cheese) would be proof enough, that they are in fact producing chemical weapons. Why else would they have many of those factories hidden far away in the mountains?

During the next meeting of the Security Council, George Double-U would present some incriminating intercepted broadcast transmissions of a secret code. Since nobody in the CIA could decode this "Jodl-di-hi, tira-lala, Jodl-di-ho", they knew, that this code was used by the Swiss to send secret messages to their fighters throughout the country. And since every Swiss man has a weapon in his home, this endangered the personal security of every US citizen. The US therefore, basing itself on chapter 4 (?) of the charter, would call upon NATO to prepare for a defensive invasion of Switzerland.

To prevent using that secret code, any broadcast transmission, as well as singing in public, would be banned in Switzerland. The CIA would ask for permission to take single Swiss out of the country for interrogation in the hope, that they might be able to get some clues about that Jodl code.

Next, George Double-U would use one of the blank sheets of papers, which were pre-signed by a certain "Tony" and print on it the "common" decision to enforce a no-fly zone over all Kantons which were suppressing women until recently by withholding voting rights for them. Every few weeks they would shoot down an enemy plane in pure self defence. Local media would report, that again a hang-glider (those non-powered ultra light "planes"), this time of an Austrian tourist, crashed under mysterious circumstances.

In his restless efforts to prepare to prevent a war, George Double-U would soon ask the French to send an aircraft carrier to Lake Geneva, the Italians one to Lago Maggiore, and the Austrians one to Lake Konstanz, just in case the Swiss don't comply with the request to disarm themselves. The Americans would use Lichtenstein as the area to land a few hundred thousand elite troops, specialized in jungle warfare. To their horror, they would find out, that they are not really prepared for Swiss terrain, so all the troops would get some last-minute training in mountain climbing.

Besides destroying their suspicious cheese factories (what in fact the US dairy industry is secretly lobbying for), the Swiss would have to castrate their weapons. Knowing, that the Swiss army had used bicycles until recently, the US would demand, that all bikes in Switzerland which go faster than 20 km/h be scrapped under international supervision. Problems would arise after some inspectors found a few not-yet-assembled frames. Experts would be called in and they would determine, that the final bike could theoretically go "faster than allowed", at least down-hill. Also, with those bikes one could reach every US navy base in the Mediterranean. A severe security risk, especially considering the Swiss' relations to Al Qaeda.

George Double-U would really have no other choice than to go on crusade and fight a holy war against the Swiss.

And since the next elections are soon, he hasn't got much time.



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